2020 Democratic Presidential Candidate Cheat Sheet

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Getting a bit crowded. Photo by Slate

There is no denying that the growing number of Democratic Party potential nominees is starting to rival an Osmond Family Reunion. This, of course, is distracting and confusing, just as intended.

So, without further ado, I present a handy-dandy detailed roster for your perusal. Try to keep up. It ain’t easy.

Kamala Harris: Seemingly the DNC’s anointed one. She has all the attributes high on the list of the Democrats’ priorities — mocha skin, a va-jay-jay, and killer merchandise.

And, as an added bonus, she’s so ‘hood that she was listening to Snoop and Tupac years before they even had a record contract. Talk about street cred!

Her penchant for keeping innocent people locked in private prisons and her zeal to punish truancy with jail time is well-documented. The manner in which she used innocent human lives as pawns to advance her career is a complete abomination.

For example, during her tenure as a D.A. and A.G. Harris battled like Braveheart to uphold wrongful convictions obtained by false testimony and evidence tampering. Justice was (and is) a completely foreign concept to her.

Kamala Harris is not Progressive by any definition. She’s not in even in the same ballpark. The takeaway here is that Kamala is Mocha Hillary, and the HRC Pantsuit Brigade is simply delighted to have another unfit walking, talking vagina owner to support loudly and stupidly.

Bye-bye, you oh-so-faux progressive.

Cory Booker: Right color skin, but packing peen which neutralizes the impact. His crazy serial killer eyes are enough for me personally to say “next,” but there are oh-so-many more.

Take, for instance, Cory’s deep, abiding love for Big Pharma and all it stands for. Even those only casually acquainted with politics know he bravely battled against American citizens having access to more affordable prescription drugs by purchasing them from Canada.

It’s interesting to note Hooker Booker’s rationalization for his stance. According to Cory, identical medications manufactured by the same drug companies suddenly become extremely dangerous if they cross the Canadian border.

Yeah, at about 90% cheaper, these drugs are obviously dangerous. Dangerous to your donors’ profit margin.

And what of drug-dealing T-Bone, your own personal Mr. Snuffleupagus? You know, the dude you referenced for years even though his existence is as bogus as a fair Democratic primary process?

But hey, nice job trying to pander to the ‘hood, a place you’ve only driven through. And it must have been terrifying when your imaginary friend threatened to bust a cap in your ass. I’ll bet you had to sleep with the lights on for months.

Off with you, Crazy Eyes.

Amy Klobuchar: states progressive goals such as Medicare-for-All and Green New Deal are “aspirations.”

Yeah, I’ve heard enough out of your centrist cakehole. Moving on.

Beto O’Rourke: OK, bottom line? O’Rourke is more conservative than many self-proclaimed conservatives. And only Grandpa Muster aka Ted Cruz has accepted more money from the fossil fuel industry. And no, being from Texas is not an excuse.

The supposedly progressive Beto didn’t support the House bill for single payer healthcare, or the one for debt and tuition-free college. But he did the support the TPP. His definition of “progressive” and mine vary greatly.

But I’ll hand one thing to O’Rourke — he’s got that old-timey, political glad-handing down pat. He’s the master of comforting catch-phrases and motivational poster-style platitudes. He shakes his tousled locks, flashes that Osmond-esque smile and flings the B.S. while the neo-lib fan girls and boys eat it all up.

Ugh. Pass the barf bags.

Elizabeth Warren: The very epitome of a self-serving neo-lib with no concern for anything but their own political and financial advancement. “What’s in it For Me?” should be her campaign slogan.

So many sins, so little time, so let’s just skim the surface:

It’s a matter of record that she approved three of the Orange Anal Wart’s cabinet picks(Mattis, Haley, and Shulkin.) It’s common knowledge that Warren betrayed the water protectors at Standing Rock. She sits idly by as fracked gas pipelines weave their way through her (and my)home state.

Warren signed on to Trump’s massive GOP defense budget, and authored her own ACA-friendly bill to sabotage Medicare for All. I’m sure her ties to the pharmaceutical industry had nothing to do with that at all.

And unbelievably but also not surprisingly, she stood up and CHEERED when the Marmalade Moron pronounced that America would never be a socialist country. Aside from him ingesting hemlock, I can’t think of a single thing that would possess me to applaud for that shitbag.

And of course, we won’t talk about her warhawk voting record and pro-Israel/Anti-Palestine stance. I won’t even mention how she endangers our lives and our planet by turning her nose up at the Green New Deal. Nah. We won’t discuss any of that crap because apparently, Democrats are above vetting.

And that contrived video of you swigging a beer as your husband slapped your ass was the most cringe-worthy thing I’ve seen in years. Stop that shit.

Tulsi Gabbard: Tusli has what the Democratic Party values most — a vagina and brown(ish) skin. She’s even a Hindu! But Tulsi has sinned by practicing the Progressive values she espouses. She doesn’t just pretend to give a shit about working Americans like centrist Dems do.

Her biggest sin (according to the Dems) was flipping the DNC the bird in 2016. She stepped down from her position as DNC co-chair to endorse Senator Bernie Sanders for the Democratic nomination. For having the integrity and courage to follow her conscience, she has incurred oodles of neo-lib wrath. For this, she must be PUNISHED.

Gabbard is eminently qualified to serve as Commander-in-Chief. She’s a veteran with a first-hand perspective on the Middle East. The DNC clutched its collective pearls when Tulsi went to confer with Assad in Syria. Because, as we all know, it’s much better to bomb first and ask questions later.

Since Tulsi has an exemplary record and a documented history of practicing what she preaches, The DNC and MSM are maligning her and and her candidacy.

This alone proves she’s a good choice for the job.

Kirsten Gillibrand: let’s keep this short and sweet. No.

Bernie Sanders: Hasn’t announced, and we’re all on the edge of our seats wondering when (or if) he will. EDIT: TODAY’S THE DAY!

For decades now, Bernie Sanders has been a steadfast, often solitary, voice for the Average American in the Halls of Power. This plain-speaking senator has been fighting the Good Fight for over half a century, never wavering in his determination to inject humanity into our increasingly corrupt government.

The worst thing anyone can say about him is that he honored the agreement that every Democratic candidate must abide by, and that’s to support the eventual nominee. Yes, even if it’s a pantsuit-wearing criminal.

Bernie Sanders is our only true representative in the Senate. His colleagues on both sides of the aisle will almost always come down on the side of their corporate donors.That’s because Big Business put them in office and the piper must be paid. WE put Bernie in office, and therefore he’s only beholden to us.

So, just what is the DNC’s beef with Bernie Sanders? Simple. He galvanizes people to actively engage in the political process and to question, and if need be, challenge the status quo. And because the DNC is the status quo, they equate endorsing Bernie with helping the hangman tie their noose.

Which means he’s the person we need in the White House. Yes, I said it. White. House.


I’m just going to “Gilligan’s Island” the remainder of the multitude throwing their hats in the Democratic Party ring in 2020. So here’s the obligatory “and the rest.” I’m not trying to rival “War and Peace” here.

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is a political junkie and history buff randomly alternating between bouts of crankiness and amusement while bearing witness to the Apocalypse. Come along!

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