40 Things I’d Rather Do Than Listen to Hillary Clinton Speak

Kathy Copeland Padden

Sep 28, 2019·2 min read

In no particular order:

1. Clean out Hannibal Lector’s fridge.
2. Explain Democratic Socialism to a Neo-liberal or a Conservative.
3. Puncture both eardrums with Phillips head screwdrivers.
4. Listen to a modern country music station.
5. Walk hot coals.
6. Explain sex to my seven-year-old grandson.
7. 484486644387 gazillionty loads of laundry. By hand.
8. Listen to that keen political analyst Whoopie Goldberg make an ass out of herself.
9. Talk about science with a Flat Earther.
10. Shove sharp, pointy sticks under all my finger and toenails.
11. Read the Bible.
12. Watch Fox News.
13. Watch Rachel Maddow.
14. Have a cuddle sesh with Creepy Uncle Joe Biden.
15. See those pics of the First “Lady’s” funbags again.
16. Girl talk with Stormy Daniels.
17. Have Dinner with Pence and Mother.
18. Listen to Nickleback. On headphones.
19. Receive a purple nurple.
20. Eat broccoli.
21. Set my hair on fire.
22. Jog.
23. Gargle with Drano.
24. Clean the litter box. With my hands.
25. Binge-watch “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”
26. Pass a kidney stone or two.
27. Have a pap smear.
28. Invite the JoHos in for a cozy chat.
29. Pull out my molars with pliers.
30. Listen to that legendary orator Dubya speak.
31. Step in dog poo. With bare feet.
32. Listen to Centrist Dems rationalize how it’s cool that they are financed by oligarchs but it’s unmitigated evil when the GOP does the same and how we all need to just accept that because … TRUMP.
33. Get a paper cut on my eyeball.
34. Repeatedly stub my toe.
35. Drink a Bud Lite.
36. A romantic weekend get-away with Ted Bundy.
37. Pet a great white shark.
38. Brunch with a dozen limousine liberals sporting Pink Pussy Hats.
39. Clean the toilet. With my tongue.
40. Rip off a hangnail and douse it with rubbing alcohol.

Frankly, there aren’t many scenarios I’d pass up to be spared any exposure to Shrill Hill and her visually offensive 6,000 dollar pantsuits that still manage to look like off-the-rack Walmart clearance items.

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