Are You an Establishment Democrat? Let’s Find Out!
DISCLAIMER:
First off — yes, labels are stupid, but they are a necessary evil for expediency while quantifying the shit from the shinola. That being said, it’s vitally important we acknowledge that the familiar American political designations have all taken a hard right turn. We must defend against further co-opting of leftist terminology by neoliberals struggling to establish credibility. Let’s face it — there’s nothing “liberal” about most of those who now claim the title. Today’s Progressive is yesterday’s Liberal. Today’s Liberal is yesterday’s Republican. Today’s Republican is yesterday’s Village Idiot.
We can’t allow the Establishment Democrat McResistance to pervert the meaning of Progressivism as well. When you hear the term “Progressive” misused, be all over it like Beto O’Rourke on Fossil Fuel money.
In case there’s any confusion, Here’s a handy-dandy reference guide for your convenience: https://medium.com/@kathycopelandpadden/lets-talk-about-the-word-progressive-d2aecef05b47
So, are you wondering if you or a loved one fall under the banner of the Establishment Democrats? Match your personal political compass against the following criteria and slap yourself silly for every statement that describes or resonates with you.
- Have no problem lamenting the sad state of the working class while sipping a $10 latte in the neighborhood you gentrified all the aforementioned working class out of.
- Thought for even 1/23455432th of a second Hillary Clinton would've made a good president.
- Insist Donald Trump is a sexual predator, but Joe Biden is just a maligned and misunderstood cuddle bunny. For the exact. Same. Actions.
- Eschew policy-driven voting in favor of a candidate’s skin tone and genitalia and insist that everyone who doesn’t is racist and/or misogynist.
- Insist there’s no fundamental difference between the politics of Bobby Kennedy and Nancy Pelosi in your eyes. After all, a Democrat’s a Democrat!
- Have never shaken out the couch cushions for gas money.
- Accuse the GOP of rigging the general in 2016, but also maintain it wasn’t possible for the DNC to rig the primaries.
- Think pink pussy hats and a chronic case of Trump Derangement Syndrome is the epitome of “resisting.”
- Believe principles have no place in choosing a candidate. That’s for purist Bernie Bros.
- Say the only thing that matters is Team Blue winning the game. What? No, our team does NOT mean, or even include, the American People. You must be one of those commie socialists who want free stuff like decent healthcare and a planet to live on.
- Think voting for the candidate with the best platform regardless of party affiliation is complete sacrilege.
- Don’t care if millions more die thanks to our unsustainable capitalist healthcare system as long as the Democrats emerge victorious.
- Sound just like a Republican with slightly better grammar.
- Firmly believe Bernie Sanders is too old to be president, but support Joe Biden who’s wandering around the country clearly suffering from dementia.
- Think anyone who’s not a registered Republican owes the Democratic Party their vote by default.
Obviously, there are scads more defining characteristics of Establishment Dems, but I’d say this is a pretty good jumping-off point. So, how did you do? Are You Blue Without a Clue? Or Any Blue — No Can Do?
If Number Two — good for you! Boo-boo-be-doo!
OK, I think we’re done here.
