Are You an Establishment Democrat? Let’s Find Out!

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Photo by The New Yorker


First off — yes, labels are stupid, but they are a necessary evil for expediency while quantifying the shit from the shinola. That being said, it’s vitally important we acknowledge that the familiar American political designations have all taken a hard right turn. We must defend against further co-opting of leftist terminology by neoliberals struggling to establish credibility. Let’s face it — there’s nothing “liberal” about most of those who now claim the title. Today’s Progressive is yesterday’s Liberal. Today’s Liberal is yesterday’s Republican. Today’s Republican is yesterday’s Village Idiot.

We can’t allow the Establishment Democrat McResistance to pervert the meaning of Progressivism as well. When you hear the term “Progressive” misused, be all over it like Beto O’Rourke on Fossil Fuel money.

In case there’s any confusion, Here’s a handy-dandy reference guide for your convenience:

So, are you wondering if you or a loved one fall under the banner of the Establishment Democrats? Match your personal political compass against the following criteria and slap yourself silly for every statement that describes or resonates with you.

  1. Have no problem lamenting the sad state of the working class while sipping a $10 latte in the neighborhood you gentrified all the aforementioned working class out of.

Obviously, there are scads more defining characteristics of Establishment Dems, but I’d say this is a pretty good jumping-off point. So, how did you do? Are You Blue Without a Clue? Or Any Blue — No Can Do?

If Number Two — good for you! Boo-boo-be-doo!

OK, I think we’re done here.

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is a political junkie and history buff randomly alternating between bouts of crankiness and amusement while bearing witness to the Apocalypse. Come along!

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