Are You or a Loved One Suffering From Trump Derangement Syndrome?
It’s the gravest public health crisis of our lifetime. Millions of people who were previously at least semi-kinda-normal are succumbing to the endemic, annoying plague we call Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS).
This disorder is characterized by an uncontrollable compulsion to talk about the Marmalade Moron all day, every day, including during sleep, sex, and surgery. Not even general anesthesia can thwart this increasingly prevalent form of self-induced dementia.
The signs may seem innocuous at first since many people not suffering from clinical TDS often exhibit the following symptoms as well.
- slight nausea while watching Trump painfully stumble through complete sentences
- mild tension headaches from Sarah Sander’s alternate-reality freak-show press conferences
- minor abdominal cramping during any recent news broadcast on any mainstream media channel.
For most, these symptoms are manageable with minimal effort (breaking up with Maddow and not falling for partisan propaganda are very effective home remedies.) But a large segment of the population has fallen prey to chronic Trump Derangement Syndrome, which defies all conventional treatments. And logic.
Signs to watch out for if you think you or a loved one may have been afflicted:
- An inexplicable obsession with Trump’s sex life and stable of dead-eyed Botox-stuffed whores.
- A dread fear of RUSSIA AND POTATO-FACED POOPY-HEAD PUTIN AND AUGH!
- It’s difficult to tell from your social media posts whether you detest Trump or are hoping for an angry, orange, hate-myself-in-the-morning fuck.
- You agree that hatred of Trump is more than enough to base the entire Democratic Party platform on.
- You hallucinate Russian bots and spies EVERYWHERE. It’s not hard to sift them out. They give themselves away by daring to disagree with your neo-liberal position.
- You display a complete inability to prioritize and deal with important issues. (Important issues do not include who Trump has peed on, or been peed on, by during his frolics.)
What can you do to deter the spread of TDS?
There is hope. With a few lifestyle modifications, you can return to a mental state where you realize our government was corrupt as shit long before Twitler parked his flabby ass in the White House. When you voice an opinion along these lines, a neoliberal will accuse you of being a Russian bot. And when that happens, you know you are uninfected or cured.
Here are a few tips and preventative measures to combat Trump Derangement Syndrome:
- Shut off your damn T.V.
- Concentrate on the issues (remember those?) rather than National Enquirer-style dirty laundry airing. If you need that kind of stimulation, watch the Kardashians.
- “Revolt” rather than “Resist.” Resisting is for passive-aggressive weenies.
- Vote for Progressives. I mean it. Do it.
At times, Trump Derangement Syndrome can resolve itself. Some sufferers just wake up one day and know that Rachel Maddow is the neo-liberal Bill O’Reilly verging on Alex Jones or that Obama is a war criminal who made Trump’s antics possible thanks to his own policies, and are cured of TDS immediately.
Trump Derangement Syndrome: Brief but embarrassing blotch on your life’s timeline or fatal foray into Derptastic Donnieville? The choice really is yours.
Warning: consult your doctor if you still think RUSSIA is responsible for this shit show we laughingly call government. And then kick your own ass.
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