Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Pat the Berner on Twitter

Q: What do you call a neoliberal who’s too stupid or cowardly to admit they’re a neoliberal?

A: A Fauxgressive.

Despite how it may seem to the casual observer, the biggest impediment to the Progressive Movement’s success (and the planet’s survival) isn’t the GOP or even neoliberal Dems. Nope. It’s the cockroach-like infestation of Fauxgressives insisting that they and their candidates are genuine, bonafide, honest-to-god Progressives.

These are the folks who tell you Joe Biden isn’t a disgusting predator or trill: “I love Bernie, BUT Warren (the biggest Fauxgressive evah)has a plan for that!”

Oh, ffs.

Sure she does. Bernie’s plans in one hand and her fingers crossed behind her back with the other. It’s amazing how people can’t see this. Lizzie is that kid who duly notes a peer’s great idea for an essay or Halloween costume and claims it as their own, smiling all the while. You know, that kid every other kid hates but most adults love.

Fauxgressives like Warren and her minions (mostly disgruntled Hillbots) are the Eddie Haskells of the current political arena. If you’re not old and decrepit enough to get the Eddie Haskell reference, consider yourself lucky and Google it. If you're too lazy to do that: He’s a brown-nosing troublemaking kid who talks out both sides of his mouth on “Leave It to Beaver.”

Yeah, I’m old. Shuddup.


There are two different strains of Fauxgressivism infecting American politics: the Deliberate and the Derpy. Let’s break down the differences.

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Insta Phenomenons

These are establishment Democratic Party leaders and the wealthy neoliberal constituents who benefit from their elitist policies. They don’t want to move forward because they fear it might personally “hurt” them in some way. (“Hurt” is defined here as having to pay your fair share and allow others the advantages you just take for granted.)

Their every word and action is deliberately calculated to derail the REAL Progressive movement.


Money, of course.

Let’s take a look at Medicare for All. The American People overwhelmingly support it, yet only Bernie Sanders is making it a cornerstone of his presidential campaign. The reason is simple. Every other candidate is far too beholden to the “healthcare” insurance scammers. They have no spare fucks for their ever-growing pool of constituents dying stupid, needless deaths thanks to corporate greed.

Their greed.

Image for post
Image for post
Bernie! I found the knife I stuck in your back in 2016. No, wait — that's Obama’s. Photo by USA Today

Deliberate Fauxgressives pay lip service regarding the desperate need for Single-Payer Healthcare, but lip service only. They surface pander just enough to win votes with no intention of actually setting their “plan” in motion.

Bottom line: if the Rabble didn't need to accept shitty jobs just for shitty insurance, they’d attain a level of autonomy entirely unacceptable to their Corporate Overlords. Poor and sick people fearful for their future are much more malleable than well-paid, healthy people. You know, people who don’t have to shake out the couch cushions for gas money to get to that shitty job.

The Deliberate Fauxgressive battle cry is, “I got mine, screw you.” but they try to pretty it up with platitudes and empty rhetoric about unity and beating Trump.

That brings us neatly ‘round to the bunch brainwashed or braindead enough to actually believe that crap.

Image for post
Image for post
Vote Blue No Matter Who! Photo by Photography Today

AKA: Establishment Dem Drones, VBNMW Cultists, and People Who Should Fucking Know Better.

These are the(generally)blue-collar working people addicted to voting against their best interests (and everyone else’s). They still labor under the delusion that the Democrats are the Party of the Little Guy and not Contemptible Limousine Liberals. (These elitists wouldn’t piss on a working-class person if they were on fire. We are expendable, replaceable, and exist only to serve our betters, i.e., them.)

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by newslogue

Somehow blue-collar Blue voters didn't get the memo about the Democrats morphing into Republicans, allowing the GOP to go full-on fascist, for which the DNC blames Progressives.

Many of them just vote for whatever Blue Empty Suit the T.V. blabs about the most, and genuinely believe they’ve made a carefully considered decision. After all, they can’t lie or show bias on the news!

Then there’s the Legacy Democrats who automatically vote the way their parents and grandparents did. No real conviction, or even thought, is involved, and they generally don’t pretend otherwise. They’re just following family tradition, like Thanksgiving dinner at Auntie’s. You’re not really feeling it, but you do it anyway. It would seem weird not to, so you figure what the hell.

Still other Derpy Fauxgressives sense, either consciously or unconsciously, that their Party is just as crooked and corrupt as those Other Guys. Even so, they can't let that realization fully surface. After all, it bespeaks a reality too horrible to contemplate.

We know. We understand. We contemplate that reality daily.

Since the Deliberate Fauxgressive’s actions are intentional, it’s far more concerning than the Derpy variety. Ignorance is easier to overcome than evil, so be careful who you try to reason with (filed under: Things I Learned the Hard Way)

Image for post
Image for post
Don’t even try with these bishes. They're a lost cause Photo by TIME

So what’s a genuine Progressive to do?

Call Fauxgressives and their bullshit out every time you encounter them. For fun, tally up the number of times you’re told vetting candidates is “divisive” and not at all the entire purpose of holding primaries. If you really want to make their heads spin like Linda Blair’s in “The Exorcist,” remind them most voters are unaffiliated and therefore don’t owe the Democratic Party diddly-squat. It’s a real crowdpleaser.

So, to review, you’re a Fauxgressive if you:

  • Support candidates who accept corporate donations
  • Think we need a vag in the White House for the sake of having a vag in the White House (as long as it’s neolib vag)
  • Still support the “Hillary lost thanks to Russian interference” narrative
  • Suffer from a bad case of Trump Derangement Syndrome (to the point that ousting the Orange Anal Wart is a higher priority than actual policy)
  • Don’t support the Green New Deal or Medicare for All
  • Think Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren are in any way comparable.

Obviously not an exhaustive list by any stretch. But certainly enough to know whether you're acting in your own best interest or those of the elites.

Image for post
Image for post
Progressives as far as the eyes can see! Photo by Denver Westward

My work is all reader-supported. If you enjoy my articles, please consider Sponsoring my work on

Or show me some love with claps on

You can also donate on Paypal

As always, thank you for reading!

is a political junkie and history buff randomly alternating between bouts of crankiness and amusement while bearing witness to the Apocalypse. Come along!

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store