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Behold your Dark Master. Photo by Kathy Copeland Padden

If you have kids or grandkids, chances are you’ve been subjected to that insufferable little snot Caillou, the star of a self-titled children’s animated nightmare-of-a-program. We bear unwilling witness as the little bastard flits from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis, whining incessantly through every tortuous episode.

And as if that bald, vile turd wasn’t punishment enough, his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Mellow-Milquetoast, address all of Caillou’s demands, no matter how obnoxious, with a sing-songy cadence that hints at some excellent weed connects.

And who could blame them if they chose a stoned stupor? I’d be carrying a flask and a one-hitter everywhere I went if I was subjected that that annoying little dick every day of my life.

But that still doesn’t excuse their lazy parenting. They give this incorrigible schmuck everything he pouts over and then unleash him out in the real world like some whiney-ass virus. They need to grow some gonads and send that bad-tempered little botched abortion to his damn ROOM instead of fawning over his every dramatic sniffle.

While our kids sit mesmerized and we pray for a conveniently-timed 22-minute coma, The off-camera old lady narrator, sounding like Betty White on ‘ludes ( everyone in Caillou’s universe is on heavy drugs due to being in Caillou’s universe), keeps us up to date on Caillou’s complex range of emotions: Whining, Just finished whining, Just about to whine.

Old Lady Narrator: But Caillou didn’t want to leave the party. Caillou wanted to stay and play.

Me in next room: Tough crap kid. Suck it!

Old Lady Narrator: Caillou was very sad.

Me in the next room: Ha, GOOD! You don’t deserve to be happy you annoying little tri-colored prick!

I know I’m not alone here. ‘Fess up.

Every day I wait for little sister Rosie to finally lose her shit on Caillou and deliver the beat-down he so desperately deserves. Someday it’ll happen. Either Rosie or that fucking cat Gilbert is going to turn on him. Maybe they’ll join forces against the common enemy. I would definitely watch that episode.

But honestly, just what is it that kids see in that reprehensible beady-eyed bastard? He’s the animated equivalent of fingernails on a blackboard. There’s not one even remotely endearing thing about him, except that his show can’t last forever even if it feels that way.

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is a political junkie and history buff randomly alternating between bouts of crankiness and amusement while bearing witness to the Apocalypse. Come along!

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