Cyber-Psychosis in Full Flower: Politics on Facebook

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If it was possible to shove the entire country of Russia up your ass, I would. Photo by

Let’s be honest. Most Facebook political groups have absolutely no intention of being anything other than a circle-jerking echo chamber.

This is good if you’re looking for a cuddly support group, not-so-good when your intent is to challenge yourself and others to think outside of the hive’s comfy little box.

The same is also basically true on most people’s personal pages, but that’s hardly surprising. Birds of a feather.

There are exceptions, of course, where group members actually share thoughts and ideas in a relatively civilized manner, but they’re as rare as unicorn poo.

Instead, most contentious online encounters end with the prevailing clique flinging cyber-feces at “Trumptards” or “Russian bots.” And believe me, you haven’t truly lived until you’ve been dubbed a Russian bot.

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Problem is, social media is plagued by self-important twits with precious little political or historical knowledge and no desire to gain any.

It’s just not going to happen.

Because if they did, they’d have to face how woefully clueless they are, and the lack of omnipotence is physically impossible for the truly dedicated keyboard warrior to admit.

Our colorful cast of characters employs various tactics to get on your last nerve. Those who immerse themselves in social media political discourse possess their own uniquely annoying quirks that help you sort the dunderhead hoards into several subgroups.

Here’s a brief rundown of some typical participants in Facebook political groups or threads:

ALL CAPS Attack Dog: Buddy, your degree in Ball-Scratching from Trump University does not qualify you to discuss politics at the Big People’s table. Simmer down, have a juice box, and go back to playing Mario Kart. It’s the most merciful option for everyone involved, especially you.

Do you really want to make America great again? Shut your derphole.

Everything Offends Me and I’ll Never Let You Forget It: This is the self-appointed Politically Correct Task Force who will find, or invent if necessary, something to get their panties in a wad about no matter how innocuous the conversation is to those with a firmer grip on reality.

See also: Whiners, Attention Whores, Bitch-Slapable Crybabies.

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Keep this next to your computer at ALL TIMES or you’re a racist, misogynist ogre who needs to check their privilege.

Chronic Trump Derangement Syndrome Sufferer: Nothing, and I mean nothing, is more important to TDS sufferers than ousting Trump so we can all live under a fascist, theocratic, apocalyptic Pence regime.

Vote Blue No Matter Who Or You Will All Burn in Hell:
A Poem for Establishment Dems

Vote Blue No Matter Who,

That is All You Need to Do,

The DNC Will Choose for You.

Sorry, Dems — Fuckez Vous.

Give us a Progressive or two.

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Photo by

The Rabid Conspiracy Theorist: Oh mighty Isis, please deliver me from these mind-numbingly gullible goofballs. If you call them out on their dumbfuckery, they become abusive and start babbling that you need to “do your research.”

OK, I will.

You’re a credulous anal wart. Those are my findings.

The Happy-Sappy Peace Maker: The song “Kumbaya” taking human form. That fucking song sucks.

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No. Oh hell no.

Still Shrill for Hill Pant Suit Brigade: I’m still with her she won the popular vote damn you handful of Russian Facebook posters for taking down the Pant Suit Queen’s multi-million dollar campaign with your savage meme warfare!

Russian Trolls/Bots: Don’t be freaking ridiculous. These exist only in the demented pass-the-buck-for-tanking-in-2016 Universe of Hill’s Shrill Hagbags.

The “Bernie Sanders is not a real Democrat Coalition: Well, no shit. That’s why he’s so damn popular.

The Living at Mom’s Contrarian: One can only play so much Xbox and eat so many pizza rolls before the need for human interaction becomes overwhelming. So naturally, the best thing to do is go on social media and arbitrarily shit-post in random groups or stranger’s pages. Remember, any attention is good attention.

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And Caillou is an insufferable little twatwaffle. Photo by

The Profanity-Spewing Bitch With Anger Issues: Well, hello there.

It’s pretty simple. Don’t piss me off and we’ll all get along just fine. If not, I’ll more than likely invite you to choke on a bowl of deep-fried di- yeah, it’s probably best not to poke the beast. She’s a total bitch.

So, ‘fess up. Which irritating and tiresome role(s) do you play in social media’s impressive daily display of personality and behavioral disorders? Remember, admitting it is the first step in concocting a way to justify your sociopathic online shenanigans.

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is a political junkie and history buff randomly alternating between bouts of crankiness and amusement while bearing witness to the Apocalypse. Come along!

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