We have got to stop meeting like this, girl. Actually, we just have to stop meeting at all, period. It’s getting really, really awkward. I’m amazed you haven’t picked up on the vibe, especially after our final break-up in 2016.
I hate to be so blunt Hills, but let’s just be honest about the situation. Your relentless pursuit of me is not endearing, admirable, or in any way welcome. Learn to take “no” for an answer. Just like I’ve had to do when beseeching my government for basic human rights.
How am I not sending a clear message regarding my intent? I refused your advances in 2008, and then again in 2016 when I rejected you in favor of an over-stuffed Oompa Loompa. I thought the obvious insult of losing to a gelatinous, mouth-breathing imbecile would finally put an end to your tireless pursuit of me.
Oh, how very wrong I was. You spent a day or two “in the woods” and came back as self-proclaimed leader of the McResistance, apparently thinking that would impress me. It did not. The hypocrisy of it all just added to my already hefty store of repugnance for you.
And why did all this come about? Let’s revisit that for a quick sec.
Back in 2016, you told the man I really loved, Bernie Sanders, that I didn’t want him or even like him because of my supposed love for you when nothing could’ve been further from the truth. Embrace reality — even with Bernie out of the picture and the Orange Anal Wart breathing down my neck, I still rebuffed you.
And yet, you’re still stalking me, still refusing to take no for an answer, no matter how self-serving your demented obsession with possessing me is. Using Liz Warren as your chosen puppet fools no-one. We all know who holds the purse strings in the DNC, and subsequently who calls the shots.
You don’t love me, you just want power over me.
It doesn’t matter that you want me. I don’t want YOU. It’s creepy and criminal but completely in character how you insist on pursuing me despite my strong and repeated objections. After years of dealing with your unwanted attention I need treatment for PTSD, and you need four-point restraints and a back-handed bitch-slap.
If it were possible for a nation to take out a restraining order against a narcissistic sociopath of a twice-failed presidential hopeful, you’d finally prove to be the perfect candidate.
So listen up, Hillary. I don’t want you. I don’t need you. You are the human embodiment of all the evil I’m trying to rid myself of. I’m done with abusive, one-way relationships. I want someone who will put me, the United States of America, first, and commit to building a strong future together.
You’ve proven time and time again through both words and deeds that you’re not capable of maintaining this sort of healthy and positive relationship. You think I exist merely to provide you with more money and power. You’ve used me to feed your ego and personal piggy bank for the last time. You are not, and never will be, deserving of my love or loyalty.
Off you fuck.
The United States of America
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