Describing someone as a “Democrat” is like saying someone is a Christian. Christianity is a big, scary club with a gazillionty factions that don’t agree with or even like each other. Your experience with them will vary widely depending on their denomination.
Same rules apply with members of the Democratic Party. So confusing! But with just a little practice, you can learn exactly what type of Democrat you are engaging through simple observation.
Shall we begin?
The Dem Enter Democrat:
These are the intrepid souls who are going to change the party from within or die trying. They shy away from phrases like “hostile takeover” and “fuck those guys” even though everyone knows that’s the real deal.
Motivated and enthusiastic, they run for office themselves or support others’ grassroots campaigns. These guys will sometimes pay lip service to the establishment, but most have their fingers crossed behind their backs when they do.
Aside from the tiresome perkiness, they are among the easiest of the bunch to stomach. Here’s hoping they are successful in their quest to reclaim the Democratic Party.
But I wouldn’t hold your breath.
Progressive Democratic Socialists:
Many Berners fall in this category. Since this is where the fire and passion in the party resides, that’s probably not very surprising. Their goal is to steer the Democratic Party back to its New Deal-era values where the government works for the people, and not the other way around.
This bunch is running for election in droves and having far more success than the establishment Dems are comfortable with. Fortunately for party neo-liberals, centrist Democrats have no problem eating their own while welcoming the likes of the Koch Bros with open arms.
Democratic Socialists are often seen huddled in deep conversation with the Dem Enter Democrat, discussing common ideals and goals. Not surprisingly, these two groups have a significant amount of overlap, but the Democratic Socialists tend to be the more outspoken and bold. They often tussle with our next specimens.
The Neo-Liberal Wine-Swilling Democrat:
They are, of course, with HER. This is the domain of Hillary’s Harpy Hagbags AKA the Pant Suit Brigade. Utterly obsessed with Trump’s sex-life, clearly impervious to dry heaves. They supposedly advocate for freedom of speech, unless you are Antifa, Gay Frog Alex Jones, or anyone else on their shit list.
The Neo-liberal Dems are the architects of the Russia Narrative. If you wonder aloud why the content of the leaked (not hacked) emails is never discussed, just their provenance, prepare to be called a Russian bot guilty of election MEDDLING to thwart the Democratic Party that rigged its own Presidential primaries.
They honestly cannot see the irony. Must be the thin air up on that high horse.
Keep in mind those pink pussy hats, the dunce caps for a new generation, are sported by the Neo-Liberal Wine-Swilling Democrat, so run like hell in the opposite direction.
The Corporatist Democrat:
Rife within the halls of Congress.
Often seen shmoozing with the Neo-Liberal Wine-Swilling Democrat, with whom they are almost interchangeable.
If a corporate democrat’s lips aren’t firmly attached to a lobbyists ass they become confused and disoriented until they receive a transfusion of C-notes in unmarked bills.
The “I’ve Always Been a Democrat” Democrat:
These poor bastards have spent the past few years muttering “WTF?’ every nine-and-a-half seconds. They know this is not the Party they signed on to, but don’t feel they have any alternative either.
Trapped like rats, they console themselves that they are resisting that meanie Trump by not doing anything. Anything at all.
The Dem-Exit Ex-Democrat:
These are easy to identify because they never stop blabbing about how they’ll never vote Democrat again.
Pro Tip: If you want to observe the modern day Democrat in its natural habitat, gourmet coffee shops and Whole Foods are a good starting point, although a few still hang in the ‘hood during mating (election) season.
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