I’m laughing, I’m crying, I’m dry-heaving.
Dude, you can’t be serious.
Are you honestly contemplating throwing your hat in the ring again? What’s this? A gazillionty times? And yet you’ve never once made it to the Oval Office aside from playing Second Banana to Barry.
Now, how can this be? Could it mean that maybe, just maybe, the American People don’t want you to be president?
Nah, surely it’s somehow the fault of the Russians, like everything else.
Just what do you think your chances are when you are so out of touch with the prevailing national mood you’ll insist the 1% isn’t to blame for our current fuster-cluckage? Why the very idea is preposterous and grossly unfair to our sacred elite class, without whom we’d never know the heady experience of poverty and despair.
Look, if you insist 500 billionaires aren't the cause of our problem, you don’t understand what the problem is. If you think millennials should “stop complaining” and your response to their struggles is “give me a break,” you’ve entered the HRC level of beneath contempt.
You suck at politics — and life — in so many ways it’s almost awe-inspiring.
Let them eat cake
Biden has enthusiastically supported all kinds of BS designed to keep the poor in their place. It’s kinda like his thing. Well, that and being a notorious perv.
My favorite example of Biden screwing the poor was when ol’ Joe voted against bankruptcy protection for those struggling with unmanageable student loan payments. We can hand out corporate tax breaks without even blinking, but try to give regular Americans a break and Biden reaches for the smelling salts.
After all, Creepy Uncle Joe loses interest in children when they become old enough for college.
And know your place, peasants.
Never met a war he didn't like
Joe has a looooong history of kissing Military Industrial Complex ass. He loves it so much you’d think the MIC was a prepubescent girl-child. Where to begin?
- Well. Let’s see. For starters, Biden authored a counter-terrorism act that later became the Patriot Act, giving the government the once-unheard-of power to surveil American citizens at will in the name of “freedom.”
- In 2002, he was shaking his pom-poms in support of the Iraq War, part of his long campaign to normalize military intervention and make it palatable to the Democratic rank and file. And judging by the establishment Dem’s zeal to continue fighting unwinnable wars in the Middle East, he has accomplished at least one goal.
But wait! There's more!
- In 2018, he decorated legendary GOP war criminal Dubya with the — get this — Liberty Medal. You just can't make this shit up.
Joe is a man of many talents
He's never limited himself by merely being an oligarchic Warhawk. He's also been on the wrong side of civil rights history for decades. A couple of examples highlighting Biden’s versatility include:
- He was an enthusiastic backer of Billary’s “Bring Them to Heel” crime bill, one of the most racist and damaging pieces of legislation to ever come down the pike. He was a vocal proponent of making the Democratic Party “tough on crime.” If millions of peoples’ rights were violated in the process, hey — that's the way it goes.
- Two years later he once again joined those “liberal” Clintons in denouncing same-sex marriage, making sure our gay friends didn't have the right to enjoy legally making each other miserable and pray for death. They all, of course, caved like a house of cards on the issue when it became a matter of political survival.
He’s a gross creepy dirty old man
This dude literally makes my skin crawl.
I love how his fan club tries to deny his predilections even in the face of overwhelming photographic evidence. “He’s not touching those children inappropriately, his hand just slipped. Then his lips also slipped. On dozens of different occasions. You're a horrible human being for pointing out that Joe Biden is a horrible human being! Oh, and #ME TOO”
I wish this were satire, but it’s almost verbatim.
There is one upside as well though. If Joe decides to humiliate himself again by joining the 2020 race and failing for the fourth time, the centrist Dems will have to STFU with all their “Bernie is old to be president” crapola. And if they don’t, they’ll just prove once again what unapologetic hypocrites they truly are.