How to Lose an Election (Again) in Three Easy Steps

“Art” and photo by Kathy Padden

Pretty self-explanatory. Let’s get right to it.

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Inspiring dread in voters to win them to your side is the heart and soul of lesser-evilism. Remember 2016?

If you don’t vote for the Howling Hagbag, the Marmalade Moron will triumph and then WE ALL WILL DIE.

*Pinches self*

Nope. Still alive. Imagine that.

Even after the last FUBAR of an election, the Dems don’t seem to grasp that “We’re Not Those Guys!” is not an acceptable party platform. Those principles-wielding “purist” voters expect a political party to tackle issues that affect Regular Americans. These impossibly persnickety folks want a candidate that has direction, a clear plan, a moral compass.

The nerve of them.

Not everyone is willing to join the world’s biggest “We Hate Trump” fan club without receiving a few perks. Universal Healthcare and Campaign Finance Reform would be a good jumping-off point. The Bonding on Trump antipathy will only get you so far.

The People demand action.

Unfortunately for the Democratic Party, most thinking people realize that the country didn’t just suddenly go to shit on Twitler’s Inauguration Day. It’s pretty obvious that his presidency isn’t the result, but rather a symptom, of a much larger, more pervasive problem. The Democrats caused many of these problems with their own policies, and by aiding and abetting the GOP in Congress by voting WITH them.

That’s resisting? Well, resistance IS passive and reactionary. I’d rather be actively revolting. Yes, I know how that sounds.

Fear masquerading as progressivism is an epidemic. A laughable, yet still deadly, epidemic. It’s a full-time job calling out supposed Progressives as the Neo-liberals they really are. But it must be done.


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Did you dare support a candidate not affiliated with either major party? YOU are the reason the Marmalade Moron is picking his ass in the Oval Office. You and your purist protest vote!

OK, let’s make one thing very clear. There is no such thing as a protest vote, only people who dared vote against your preferred candidate. Fact. If this upsets or offends you, go cry into your “I’m With Her” t-shirts and die mad about it.

HRC supporters were so adamant they didn’t need our Independent votes to get her elected, yet still blame them and third party voters for their loss. And, in a bid to save time, they are preemptively blaming Independents and third party voters for a 2020 Trump re-election.

Well, all righty then.

But, no matter how badly we treat you or insult your intelligence-

You MUST vote Blue!

Because TRUMP.
Because RUSSIA.
Because WE SAY SO.

Do they really think we’re buying this crap?

Because of their refusal to address the corruption in their party, the only Blue Wave is millions of dissatisfied voters waving goodbye to the Democratic Party.


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We’re all in this together.

We need to put aside our differences to defeat the Peach Prick.

If you don’t join the Blue cult, you’re dooming babies and puppies and Starbucks baristas to the Apocalypse and will quite possibly make us all miss Brunch and/or Hot Yoga.

And remember ladies –

If you don’t vote for Democratic candidates packing vag, you’ll rot in hell as pink-hatted demons wearing Rachel Maddow masks poke at you with safety pins.


No, Just — no. Stop and listen closely Democratic Party. If you insist on thrusting another corporate candidate whose breath reeks of bullshit at us, the EXACT same thing that happened in 2016 will happen again.

And again …

Until you finally realize that the problem wasn’t just with HRC herself. It’s everything she stands for — neo-liberal right-of-center politics funded and ruled by Big Business.

The Dems obviously thought “Bernie or Bust” was just a catchphrase.

You’d think the cries of “No More Corporate Dems!” and “No Middle Ground!” and “Fuck You Neoliberal Assholes” would send just as clear a message to the DNC.

Will they heed it?

None of the old tactics flew in 2016, and they never will again. The country is changing, shifting, and with any luck at all, growing. The Democrats need to decide if they want to make history, or just become history.

photo by Kathy Padden

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Thanks for reading!

is a political junkie and history buff randomly alternating between bouts of crankiness and amusement while bearing witness to the Apocalypse. Come along!

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