So I woke up last Sunday morning to find all our prayers had been answered. Kanye West, a man whose ego sucks the air out of every room it enters, and wouldn't know good music if it bit him in the Kardashian-sized ass, is running for the highest office in the land.
*clouds part, angels sing*
Heres’ the exciting and informative news briefing I received before I’d even opened both eyes:
“Kanye West is running for president.”
Me: “LOL, fuck you.”
And with that momentous, never-to-be-forgotten revelation, my 2020 took a decided turn for the better. l am all in, dude. Kanye is giving my life a purpose, and that purpose is laughing unashamedly at stupid people. Like Kanye.
Every morning I’m taking my Flintstones chewables and eating my Wheaties in preparation for the most glitzy, glamorous, and gut-bustingly funny presidential campaign, in like, ever. Everywhere you go, the excitement is palpable.
Not that Kanye's candidacy is any more ridiculous than that of the two frontrunners, who are everything wrong with this country in human form. “You, yourself, and ‘Ye,” is also way too rich, breathtakingly stupid, and hopelessly self-centered — a natural for politics! You get your ass in that limelight, Kanye! We all need you! Or so you tell us!
Now, do I think Kanye’s a good choice for president? Aw, hell no. But I can also say that about the old white racist/rapists dry-heaved up from hell to give us the illusion of choice. At least Kanye’s (unintentionally) amusing. Those other guys are like watching Grandpa Simpson and Stan’s Grandpa on South Park try to duke it out. Sure, it’s funny, but in truth, it's plain pathetic.
People are whining that Kanye will steal votes from Biden, and that's the whole reason Kanye ’s running, but honestly — who the fuck cares? Biden’s a demented doofus. If we’re going to suffer through another sham presidency, can’t it be a dude who once fucked up Taylor Swift’s week? That was a very special day for me.
Let’s face it, the presidency has become a cartoonish circus sideshow anyway. Whenever I see footage of the White House, Calliope music starts playing in my head. So, I say we take it all the way and support Kanye, the most bombastic and hopelessly unqualified narcissist on order. Just for shits and giggles, like HRC and the DNC did when they elevated Trump as a pied-piper candidate in 2016.
Meanwhile, the Red cognitively-impaired contender continues to cut a swathe of division and despair across the nation to enrich himself and his elite friends. And, the Blue cognitively-impaired contender has assured his wealthy donors that “nothing will fundamentally change.”
That's certainly a message to inspire young voters.
Nothing would under Kanye either, except the entertainment value would increase exponentially. Can you imagine riding out the rest of the apocalypse under the watchful eye of the most over-rated pop culture icon in recorded history? If you're going to compromise your standards, you may as well take it down the basement and start digging even lower from there.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing, after all!
So, Question of the Day: Is Kanye trying to split the vote so Trump comes out stronger?
Maybe, but who the fuck cares?
Kanye’s “candidacy” pleases my predilection for the absurd with a heapin’ helpin’ of nihilistic gallows humor on the side. Delicious.
*rubs hands with glee*
And, quite honestly, I am existing only for the possibility of Kim Kardashian as First Lady and some truly epic presidential press conferences. It will make the murder bees and methed-out alligators that much easier to bear.
Hey, look. If I’m going down with the ship, I’m doing so laughing my ass off. That might not sit well with some, but we all respond to continuous negative stimuli differently. My coping mechanism is shouting IT’S JUST SO RIDICULOUS like Ricky Ricardo and writing rants.
And what difference does it make really? None of it means shit. Voting in presidential elections is just an empty gesture designed to convince Americans they are participants in government instead of its victims.
It doesn’t matter one literal fuck who you pull the lever for. Whatever you “choose,” you’ll end up with a self-congratulatory right-wing buffoon. We are waaaaay past voting ourselves out of this steaming cauldron of horseshit. May as well have a little fun with it.
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