Nancy Neolib Explains It All: Top Ten Reasons Bernie Sanders Sucks
Hi fellow real Democrats! I’m Nancy Neolib, and I’m here to break down the issues that really matter to the Democratic Party, not tedious Progressive prattle about policy. That’s so divisive.
This week we’ll explore a small sampling of the many neolib reasons why Bernie Sanders is evil incarnate.
10. Ugh. What’s with his hair? Mayor Pete’s hair is so much nicer plus he’s gay and that’s super important to me. Let’s put him and the brown lady cop on the ticket, and we can all plotz our way to Identity Politics Heaven!
9. His supporters are so annoying with all their mean talk of fair elections and campaign finance reform. How do they expect us to rig our own primaries if we have a transparent election process? It’s so divisive. That’s the problem with Progressives — they never think these things through.
8. He looks so grumpy and disheveled unlike our spiffy, well-coiffed candidates with their barracuda smiles and dead reptilian eyes. Why would I want a president who looks like he flies coach?
Holy shit he really does fly coach?
Gross. I rest my case.
7. He’s so OLD. It’s irrelevant that he’s in better physical condition than the majority of lard-ass Americans insisting his age is an issue. Now give me my double latte and donut on the double or you shall receive no gratuity, lowly service worker. I’m late for hot yoga.
6. He makes our corporate candidates look horrible by comparison, and that’s so divisive. We can’t allow voting records, donor lists, and/or policy to dictate this election because ousting the Orange Anal Wart is far more important than saving our drowning working class. Or addressing climate change. Or closing the concentration camps popping up like mushrooms after a rainstorm.
5. He’s nice to Hillary Clinton. So divisive.
4. He’s mean to Hillary Clinton. So divisive.
3. He thinks we can magically find all this money for healthcare and education that we always magically find for bombing the Middle East and corporate tax breaks. That’s so divisive. He knows nothing about economics or foreign policy, unlike me and most of my friends who can’t balance a checkbook or find Palestine on a map.
2. He runs all over the country, giving the peasants hope for the future, and we simply can’t have this Crazy Old Commie rousing the rabble. It’s massively divisive.
1. *I gave him $27 and the bastard didn’t single-handedly correct every long-entrenched method of corruption in our government mass media and in YOUR PARTY that was USED AGAINST HIM and did exactly what he said he would do from the get-go but since integrity is a foreign concept to me I’m going to cry and whine and moan like a sniveling little bitch even though it makes absolutely no sense and people point and laugh at my idiocy while wishing a stray asteroid would hit me and my derpy ilk for the good of all mankind. (*For Ex-Berner Bunny Boilers only.)
Since Bernie Sanders apologetically strives to improve the lot of lazy freeloaders who won’t get off their asses and find a better job or move to a less expensive neighborhood while we gentrify them out, we will never accept him. No real Democrat would risk the ire of Wall Street to bail out the serfs. It’s incredibly divisive.
We don’t need Bernie or his supporters, just as we saw in 2016. We would’ve won the thing if Hillary hadn’t been cheated out of the presidency by the RUSSIANS. And the electoral college. It had nothing to do with legions of Independent voters flipping us the bird. Nope.
How dare they ignore the demands of a Party the don’t belong to? Independents gave us the Orange Anal Wart! They are just so divisive.
This Neolib Nancy signing off for now, but I’ll leave you with this:
VOTE BLUE NO MATTER WHO OR YOU’LL ROT IN HELL!
Yet we don’t need your support. Nuh-uh. The DNC only welcomes real Democrats. But you’d better vote for us anyway or you’re a divisive poopy-headed Trump lover.
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