Nancy Neolib Explains it All: Top Three Reasons Why the Democratic Party Knows What’s Best For You
Hi peons. Nancy Neolib here to break it all down into tiny little words and sentences that even the least-educated Deplorable or Berner Bro can comprehend. Well, I hope so anyway. I mean, how can I, an urbanite with a Masters Degree in Medieval French Stained Glass Art even begin to understand the thought processes of people that *whispers* get their hands dirty for a living.
But I must persist, like the great Native American patriot Elizabeth Warren. The McResistance depends on us convincing as many people as possible to sit on their hands and call it resisting too. Activism is for those batshit crazy Bernie supporters who put policy over party.
Can you imagine?
I wonder how much Putin is paying them?
Anyway, here are the top three reasons that The Democrats, the Party of the (Rich) People, makes it easy for you to abandon your individuality and learn the meaning of subservience — ah, loyalty. Yeah. Loyalty.
Because We’re Way Smarter Than You
Let’s face it. The best any of you can aspire to is community college or trade school.
*eyeroll and dismissive hand wave*
You probably truly work for a living instead of sitting in your office playing Words With Friends all day while getting paid a handsome salary for it.
What’s a “salary,” you ask? That’s a set dollar amount in one’s paycheck every week instead of working for an hourly rate like a chump.
See? It’s our sacred responsibility to educate you, and it’s your responsibility to unquestioningly vote for whatever right-wing neolib shitbag we toss your way. Unity!
We Understand Politics. You Do Not.
It takes a superior intellect to grasp the nuances of the political landscape in the new millennium. You can’t understand the intricacies of why primary rigging and superdelegates are in the best interests of the American People unless you’ve spent at least two grand on a designer handbag.
We are your betters and therefore assume the responsibility of co-opting your vote. For your own good of course.
I mean, seriously. When was the last time any of you peasants attended a 100,000 a plate Democratic fundraising dinner at George and Amal’s place? Or chilled with the Obamas on the Vineyard?
(Quite honestly I’ve never done these things either, but you’d never guess from my demeanor and manner of speaking)
Politics isn’t about platform or policy. It’s about beating the other team. You Progressives are too naive to get that. So simply vote blue no matter who we nominate or you hate women and gays and POC and puppies and rainbows and want Trump to win.
We are the Champions of the People.
Well, the rich people anyway. Rich people are people too you know. Just ask Joe Biden. He’ll tell you all about how we should stop picking on the million- and billionaires. The elites’ wealth hoarding has no bearing on the massive income inequality in America, it’s your lazy-ass Nana living on an $800/ month Social Security check.
But, even though they are lazy and ignorant, we Democrats care about the serfs too. Really. I know it probably doesn’t seem that way when, more often than not, we ensure the GOP gets the votes in Congress to pass whatever bullshit austerity measure they are flinging at the working class.
The poors need us to tell them what they deserve. It’s for their own good.
I mean, we’d really like for things to change but these things take time, lots and lots of time, and we need to work with the Republicans so the big money donors financing both parties don’t get pissed off and stop handing us bribes — I mean donations.
So to recap: The Democratic Party is a staunch supporter of the lower orders. As long as they don’t want anything from us, like true representation. That’s just leftwing crazy talk.