In this week’s exciting and informative “Neolib Nancy Explains it All,” our very own Nancy herself responds to reader mail. She selflessly skipped her morning latte and hot yoga for this, so you damn plebs better appreciate it.
Today's topic: “encouraging” people to vote blue no matter who.
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Dear Neolib Nancy,
Lots of people I know refuse to Vote Blue No Matter Who in 2020. This completely enrages me. How can we beat Trump if we don’t do exactly as the DNC orders? Any ideas on how to get these divisive wild cards on board?
Thank you in advance for showering me with your pearls of wisdom.
Only Blue Will Do
Dear Only Blue Will Do,
These are indeed dark and dangerous times we find ourselves in. More and more misguided people are voting for platform over party. This is completely unacceptable, as you are aware.
The thing is, these delusional pony coveters don’t understand that if you’re not a Republican, you’re a Democrat by default. If you’re not one of them you’re one of us and we own your vote.
Pretty simple stuff, but somehow it escapes the so-called Independents. This is because they are stupid. If they weren’t stupid, they’d wholeheartedly support our efforts to remain a rightwing neoliberal utopia.
So, how do we convince them of the error of their ways? Here are a few tactics to turn those annoying Independents and Progressives into obedient Democrat drones:
- Ask them repeatedly if they want to be responsible for another four years of Trump. When they tell you fear tactics don’t play into their decision, accuse them of being Russian operatives and ask how much Putin is paying them.
- Explain how Biden is still a gaziollionty times better than Trump. When they reply that generations of lesser-evilism is the very reason we’re in such dire straights, accuse them of being Russian operatives and ask how much Putin is paying them.
- Admonish them for pointing out the Establishment Democrats’ horrible records and donor lists chock full of unapologetic corporatists. Tell them they are divisive and hurting The Party. When they point out it’s impossible to divide a party one doesn’t belong to, accuse them of being Russian operatives and ask how much Putin is paying them.
- Remind them how awful the country has become since Trump waddled his fat orange ass into the White House. When they counter that Trump is merely a symptom of our decades-long death spiral and most of the groundwork for Trump’s regime was laid out by Obama, accuse them of being Russian operatives and ask how much Putin is paying them.
- TRUMP. TRUMP. TRUMP. Harp on Trump incessantly. When they retort that fixating on Trump doesn’t do jackshit to improve the lives of countless struggling Americans and that we need to focus on policy, accuse them of being Russian operatives and ask how much Putin is paying them.
Most of them STILL won’t get it despite your best efforts to shame them, so it’s your responsibility as a good establishment Democrat to point out their many faults. With ALL CAPS or in a tone akin to a screech monkey with his testicles on fire.
Out of love and concern for their well-being of course. We’re all about the love!
That being said, make sure you let them know that:
- They are too stupid to grasp the necessity of group-think and unquestioning Party allegiance.
- They are blinded by their obsession with policy and fail to acknowledge the sacred cult of personality.
- They live in the country, so they are uneducated and ignorant and need the Democratic Party to do their thinking for them.
- They live in the inner city, so they are uneducated and ignorant and need the Democratic Party to do their thinking for them.
- And lastly, if they weren’t so stupid, they’d already be a Blue No Matter Who sycophant. (This one’s a real crowd pleaser!)
They will humbly thank you for all this sage wisdom and appreciate your guiding hand and superior intellect.
Or, they will tear you a new one and then kick your presumptuous, arrogant ass.
Keep a tally sheet so we can quantify the results for future reference (as long as they corroborate with our narrative. Otherwise, we’ll just quietly chuck it and/or blame Putin.)
Always remember gentle reader: when faced with factual evidence that gives you the sads, the accepted fallback position is reverting to PUTIN or four more years of Trump.
After all who needs facts when you’re a one-issue voter?
Thanks for writing in, Only Blue Will Do. Together we will bully, threaten, guilt, and shame our way to victory!
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