Image for post
Image for post
I’m so damn woke I look like I’m in a coma “Black and white portrait shot of attractive dark haired woman's head amongst leaves” by Olivia Snow on Unsplash

It’s a tough gig being woke af these days.

After all, it takes an enormous commitment of time and energy to hate every single serving or aspiring politician and memorize a gazillionty conspiracy theories a week.

Being this paranoid 24/7 is not for the novice.

It’s a lot of pressure, and most people simply aren’t up to the task.

Need to know if you’re woke af material?

If any of the following resonate with you, you’re most definitely NOT woke af, just a sheeple or a bot that needs to stop being a useful idiot for THE DEEP STATE and do your research. PIZZA GATE!

1. You’ve tried to order 4-chan from a Chinese restaurant.

2. You can watch planes and their vapor trails pass overhead and not froth at the mouth.

3. You totally hate the expression “woke af.” Almost as much as “Resist.”

4. You think RUSSIA! and THE DEEP STATE should just fuck and get it over with.

5. You are fully and painfully aware that the Marmalade Moron is not a sage peacekeeper but rather a deranged, demented doofus. With access to the button.

6. You Think Pizza Gate is a chain of Italian restaurants.

“I’m tired of Olive Garden. Let’s go to Pizza Gate instead.”

7. Q is just a letter of the alphabet and not holy writ. And therefore, an OK sign is merely an OK sign. OK? OK.

Image for post
Image for post
If Kamala Harris sees her shadow, it means four more years of Trump. Photo by

8. You giggle hysterically every time mentions “reptiles” and “Illuminati” in the same breath.

9. There isn’t an internet quiz in existence you haven't conquered, save for “Can you spot the Lizard People in the House of Windsor?”

10. You place your index finger perpendicular on the derphole of anyone pontificating about crisis actors. This is an act of kindness for them and everyone in the vicinity.

These traits do not help your popularity in certain sectors. But judging by the sectors in question this probably won’t bother you very much.

So what’s the verdict? Oh no! You don’t pass muster? Neither do I. To lessen the blow, I’m taking to my divan with a box of tissues and a quart of ice cream.

Nah, not really. No fucks given.

But I really want some ice cream.

Image for post
Image for post
Prince Charles and Camilla enjoy a private moment. Photo by Kotagauni Srinivas on Unsplash

Written by

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store