A handy-dandy guide to what Establishment Dems say as opposed to what they mean.
Purity tests are bad: We’re not obliged to meet the standards we expect the GOP to uphold.
Joe Biden isn’t a creepy kid groper: Photographic evidence is no match for my cognitive dissonance.
The DNC didn’t cheat Bernie in 2016: We get all our news from Maddow and WaPo.
Obama was the best president in living memory: We swooned when he sang Al Green but looked the other way when he bombed the living shit out of innocent civilians.
Vote Blue No Matter Who: We have an undeserved sense of entitlement to the votes of anyone who’s not a staunch Republican.
We dont need your votes: But we’ll blame your lack of support for our inevitable loss.
Russia gave Trump the election: I’d rather shoot the messenger than risk being Arkancided.
Bernie isn’t a real Democrat!: We will vote blue no matter who* (*unless it’s Bernie Sanders)
Hillary was the most qualified candidate in 2016: We consider narcissism and sociopathy to be the most important traits for a U S. President.
Biden is leading in the polls: Biden is polling at 150% with the coveted Telegraph demographic.
We have to unite against Trump!: Not being Trump is the only selling point we have.
Medicare for All will never happen: There is no way we’re pissing off our insurance industry donors just to save the lives of the hoi polloi.
ANY Democrat is better than any Republican: Vote for whatever shitty corporate neoliberal we choose for you.
How much is Putin paying you?: We have no cogent response to your argument and must resort to red-baiting.
If you don’t vote blue, we’ll get another four years of Trump and it will be all your fault: We tried and failed with the guilt-tripping technique in 2016, but we lack any other strategy.
I got cyber-bitchslapped by a Berner, and now I’d never vote for him: I was never going to vote for him in the first place.
Let’s just get a Dem in the White House and worry about policy later: We have absolutely no intention of disturbing the status quo.
If you refuse to VBNMW you’re privileged: The irony of typing this from the apartment we gentrified you out of completely escapes us.
Caucuses should be abolished: It’s way harder to rig a caucus so they must be eliminated.
Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in the world: We really need to meet a broader range of people.
There is no difference between Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren: We hope that if we repeat this enough times people will start to believe it.
Trump is evil incarnate: But our neoliberal candidates all gave him a standing ovation anyway.
HRC isn’t running. Stop denigrating her: We know that whether she throws her hat in or not, she holds our Party’s purse strings and Progressive insubordination will not be tolerated.
Rural areas are lousy with uneducated Trumpsters: The closest we’ve been to a small town is a flyover between N.Y.C and L.A.
We love JFK and RFK: Because after more than half a century they are still carrying a Party they wouldn’t even recognize today.
The DNC is an independent entity and has no obligation to nominate the peoples’ choice of candidate: Democratic primaries are political theater to convince the masses they actually have a say in their future.
I will only vote for a woman: I get all my news from The View.
Warren will ensure every American has access to healthcare: We’re fully aware that access does NOT mean affordability, we just don’t care.
Obviously we’re just scratching the surface folks. Don’t worry. More to come.
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