Ten Easy Ways to Freak Out Your Catholic Mother

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph

Damn kids

Ah, the joys of growing up Catholic. It was so easy to get a rep as a rebel. Wearing the wrong color sweater with your uniform is enough to get you branded as a rabble-rouser for life. What fun is breaking the rules when everything was against the rules? No challenge at all.

And, in any case, some of us refused to be rehabilitated (evil, demonic laugh.)

The bright side of twelve years in plaid is messing with your Catholic parents. Again, like shooting fish in a barrel, but a lot more amusing.

So, without further ado, here are ten easy ways to freak out your Catholic Mother:

1. Announce that you're a hardcore atheist who rejects organized religion and the evils it’s unleashed upon humanity. It won’t get you out of going to Mass, though. You need the guidance of the Holy Spirit more than ever. Your mom will pull you along by your ear if necessary.
2. Tell your mother you don’t believe Jesus Christ ever existed outside of people’s fevered imaginations. Add that Jesus is Santa Claus for grown-ups and watch her head turn around 360 degrees like Linda Blair’s in “The Exorcist.”
3. Take the Lord’s name in vain as often as possible. Be creative. But wait until you're living on your own so…