Princess Blue and the GOP Dragon: A Bodacious Bipartisan Bedtime Story
Once upon a time, when we still had at least the pretense of fair elections, there was a fair, if ditzy, maiden called Blue, the Princess of Libria.
Now, Princess Blue was hardly the perfect ruler. She was insufferably vain, self-aggrandizing, and manipulative. But most of her subjects were willing to tolerate her behavior lest they fall victim to the machinations of the dreaded bullshit-breathing GOP Dragon.
The Princess of Libria vowed to keep the People safe from the dragon whose breath could stop a Viking horde. She ordered a knave (now deceased) to offer the GOP dragon an Altoid as a peace offering. The Dragon promptly ate said knave whole and cut the SNAP program again.
The Princess Blue was perplexed. She was just trying to help. How could the offer of a breath mint and the sterling advice to brush more often be considered offensive?
“After all,” the Princess reasoned, “ I am Royal. I know what’s best for everyone, even those not living in my kingdom. Doesn’t everybody know that?”
Apparently, the GOP Dragon did not. The Red Duke, Ronnie of Trickle Downton, gleefully handed out yet more corporate tax breaks to the aristocracy and demanded the peasants make up the difference. The Rabble didn’t seem to care though and went back to doing coke, watching Miami Vice, and listening to Duran Duran.
The Princess of Neolibria was even more perplexed.
“Just what in the actual fuck is going on? My kingdom’s allegiance to me is waning in favor of the opposition! Whatever shall I do to placate the peasants and appease that damn dragon?”
So, after giving it next-to-no thought, Princess Blue decided the best strategy going forward was
“If you can’t beat ’em, join ‘em.”
And, from that day forward, the Princess’s kingdom was known as Neolibria.
Soon after, a couple (literally, they were a couple) of grifters from Akansasia appeared on the scene. They convinced Princess Blue that the best course of action was to mimic the GOP Dragon’s behavior as much as possible while simultaneously feigning disgust for the GOP Dragon’s antics.
The Arkansasian grifters also volunteered to orchestrate the whole show, having had oodles of experience quelling peasant uprisings.
The Princess replied, “sure, why not? What’s the worst that could happen?”
Before long, the two supposed rivals were virtually indistinguishable from the other.
(That’s the worst that could happen.)
As events transpired, The Princess of Neolibria’s jester was beyond perplexed. He couldn’t resist asking the Princess precisely what it was that set her apart from the GOP Dragon at that point, and she replied,
“Gay wedding cake.”
The jester went from beyond perplexed straight into disbelief.
“Your Royal Highness, please forgive my impertinence, but we need policy-driven— ”
“Gay wedding cake,” the Princess asserted, with more than a hint of irritation creeping into her voice.
And, before he could finish one full eye-roll rotation, the jester was in the dungeon fighting rats for scraps of avocado toast Princess Blue so graciously supplied them with.
You question Princess Blue of Neolibria at your own peril. Dissent is not tolerated.
And so the peasants suffered as the aristocracy thrived.
Then one day, a brave, slightly disheveled knight named Bernard of Sanders appeared to save the beleaguered subjects of Neolibria, touting free access to surgeon barbers and leechings on demand for all.
This impertinence angered the Princess and frightened her too. If she lost control of the peasants' healthcare, how could she manipulate them into taking shitty jobs?
And before you knew it, Bernard of Sanders was branded a criminal and featured daily on “Neolibria’s Most Wanted,” just for pointing out that Princess Blue’s cheese had completely slid off her cracker.
But this did not thwart Bernard and his Merry Band of Berners. They grew in numbers and strength, calling out the inhumanity perpetrated by both the GOP Dragon and the Princess of Neolibria.
For some peasants, this was the first time it dawned on them that both the Dragon and the Princess were corrupt af and cared only about their privy purses. They then realized that the fight for justice wasn't just about saving the kingdom, but the entire planet.
They chose to fight for their lives.
And the battle for the heart and soul of the kingdom is still ongoing. It most likely will wage for the foreseeable future. Hopefully, the Dragon will snack on Princess Blue and immediately die from food poisoning.
Then we can all live happily ever after.