Top Holiday Gift Ideas for the Political Nutjob in Your Life
With the holiday season upon us, it’s time to think about finding the perfect gift for your political activist family and friends. This can be a daunting task for those capable of unplugging from the daily news cycles and going an entire day without saying “election fraud,” “income inequality,” or “That Flabby Orange Shitweasel.”
Never fear. This handy guide will take all the guesswork out of delighting that certain someone who can’t get enough of the minutia surrounding the downfall of civilization.
Talking Neo-liberal Barbie
Talking Neo-liberal Barbie is running for office because she’s a woman and that makes up for any lack of suitability otherwise. If you don’t agree, Neo-lib Barbie will brand you a misogynist, sexist Nazi in 23564⅜ different languages as to not offend anyone by omission.
Other phrases include:
“The peasants want healthcare- ha!”
“I’m completely outraged by whatever it was you just said!”
“Russia did it.”
“I have a uterus. Vote for me.”
Comes complete with a $12 latte, power pantsuit, and pink pussy hat. Corporate donors sold separately.
Who Stole the Ballots? A Game of Strategy and Suspense
Players try to determine who is committing election fraud and voter suppression by doing pretty much nothing except endlessly circling the game board and pointing fingers.
See which team can out-cheat the other all the way to the White House using either gerrymandering or primary rigging. Or maybe both! Die-Bold ballot machines and DNC Charter included.
Loads of laughs as players are systematically forced from their soon-to-be-valuable properties by affluent out-of-towners. Thrill to the excitement as close-knit communities are shattered and scattered by a simple roll of the dice!
But uh-oh! If someone lands on “Bail Out The Banks” it’s game over, and everybody loses.
When your favorite activist feels the need to pontificate, which can happen at any time and usually does, the Portable Soapbox gives them the freedom to educate the ignorant masses any time, anywhere.
Available in three colors:
Vote Blue No Matter Who, MAGA Hat Red, and Don’t You Dare Try to Label Me I’m an Independent White.
My Buddy Bernie
Adorable, huggable, affordable plush Bernie Sanders doll. When partisan politics are too much to bear, curl up away from the fray with cuddly and cute My Buddy Bernie and recharge your Progressive batteries. Comes complete with glasses, 500 year-old shoes, and roach clip.
Fun for all fans of politics! When the designated player calls out a social issue that needs addressing be the one to name the most common counterproductive duopoly talking points on that subject. Whoever collects the most “rolling eye” tokens wins the game!
Have a blast spouting your Party’s accepted dogma while you and your friends talk over each other and accomplish nothing just like real politicians do!
Imagine the fun:
“The American People Deserve Decent Healthcare Regardless of Income”
OK players — time for WORD VOMIT!
- “We can’t afford it! Who’s gonna pay for imprisoning all these dangerous, criminally sophisticated illegal alien toddlers? Or a super-awesome Space Force? Or Trump’s escort and Valtrex tab?”
- “Do you know how many millions of years they wait for medical care up in Canada? People die for lack of healthcare! That never happens in the U.S. of A!”
- “No. Not on my dime. Why should I pay for some lazy bum’s bypass or dialysis? Now piss off, I’m late for church.”
- “Universal Healthcare is a human right. While we’re campaigning.”
- “The ACA is a gift from the Holy Obama. You serfs are never satisfied! Now pay your huge fine because you’re too poor to afford the mandatory insurance company-friendly options!”
- “No. The logistics are impossible. It’ll never, EVER pan out, sorry. We have corporate donors to appease too, you know. You didn't know? Oh you poor dear.”
All coming SOON to a store, online outlet, or campaign headquarters near you! Your favorite activist will beam with joy, and then immediately launch into a tirade about Nestle and income inequality.
Happy Holidays! Yeah. Happy Holidays. Deal.)