Which Democratic Presidential Candidate is Right for You?

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The Democratic candidate clown car offers a plethora of choices for the electorate to consider. But how can you decide which contestant, ah, candidate is the best fit for your preferences?

Take this super-duper handy-dandy quiz and find out!

a.) A vagina

b.) Brown skin

c.)*Brown skin and a vagina

(*not applicable to Tulsi Gabbard. She’s the “P” word. Ew)

d.) Not Trump

e.) Gay

e.) Dementia

f.) Integrity

2. The issues that matter most to you include:

a.) Protecting predatory capitalism from peasants with pitchforks

b.) Championing the good people of the pharmaceutical industry

c.) Filling our for-profit prisons with dangerous pot smokers

d.) Ousting Trump

e.) Maintaining the status quo

f.) Social and economic justice

3. Your perfect day:

a.) Native American Irish step dancing.

b.) Hanging out with your imaginary friend, the ex-drug dealer T-Bone, who definitively proves your street cred.

c.) Suppressing evidence that would exonerate death row inmates, then smoking a fatty with Tupac.

d.) Talking about how much Trump sucks.

e.) Sniffing women and little girls' necks while trying to remember What’s-His-Face’s name. Oh yeah — Obama!

f.) Laying out a plan for Medicare for All and hoops with the grandkids.

4. Your political stance is best described as:

a.) Not-So-Closet Republican Capitalist Ho-Bag

b.) Covert Corporate Kiss Ass

c.) Law and Order Fascist

d.) ANYONE BUT TRUMP HE’S SO SCARY

e.) I ❤ Billionaires

f.) FDR II, The Sequel

5. What's the most effective way to alleviate homelessness?

a.) I have a plan for that. I’m waiting for Bernie Sanders to tell me what it is.

b.) Let me check with T-Bone.

c.) As always, the answer to social ills is prison.

d.) Sending them to Mara Lago to piss off Trump.

e.) Tell them to stop being lazy and get better jobs.

f.) For starters, reining in run-away capitalism.

6. Your perfect mate would be:

a.) A Goldman Sachs executive claiming to be human

b.) Mr. Snuffleupagus

c.) A warden, or better yet, an executioner (fan’s self with subpoena)

d.) Someone who hates Trump nothing else matters

e.) Underage and sweet-smelling

f.) A kick-ass fellow crusader

7. What quote best sums up your personal philosophy?

a.) “Do not judge me by my actions, but rather by the steady stream of bullshit that flows like a river from my lie-hole”

b.) “Big Pharma CEOs need luv too”

c.) “If the evidence proves you're wrong, just suppress that shit”

d.) “TRUMP! AUGH! TRUMP!”

e.) “If it’s breathing and female I’m sniffing it”

f.) “Enough is enough!”

8. What's the best approach to address the climate crisis?

a.) Say you have a plan. Do not expound on the details of said plan, as it does not exist.

b.) Ask T-Bone what his thoughts are.

c.) Ignore it and toss more blameless black folks in jail just cuz you can.

d.) I’m not sure, but I know it’s all Trump’s fault.

e.) Do shots with the Fossil Fuel Robber Barons and then wander into traffic.

f.) GREEN NEW DEAL BITCHES.

9. What is the perfect campaign slogan?

a.) I’m the Gretchen Weiner to Hillsy’s Regina George

b.) Me and T-Bone 2020

c.) Go to Jail. Go Directly to Jail. Do Not Pass GO, Do Not Collect $200

d.) I’m NOT TRUMP

e.) Fuck The Poor

f.) NOT ME US

10. What would you describe as your perfect candidate’s legacy?

a.) Elevating Political Pandering to an artform

b.) Stopping the flow of dangerously inexpensive prescription drugs from Canada

c.) The incarceration of everyone but the rich

d.) Challenging Trump to an arm-wrestling contest

e.) Epic eye explosions

f.) SAVING US ALL FROM RUIN

Answer key:

F. Just pick F. Like you should’ve done in 2016. Learn your lesson.

Written by

is a political junkie and history buff randomly alternating between bouts of crankiness and amusement while bearing witness to the Apocalypse. Come along!

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